sealing the circle.

well, im finally back in singapore.back in my big 'ol room with my double bed (yes! i can stretch!).going up the stairs is no longer the balancing act it used to be.in the evening the rain washes out the humidity, leaving the nights cool and breezy.i can sit down to pore over my applications and time permitting, over the papers and some books whilst the fan spins and the police play in the background.home is like it's always been, comfortable.

but the physical comforts only paper over the grouses i have with singapore.being back here.the people, the places.my paradigms have shifted and now i find myself a bloody foreigner all over again.to return to singapore after traipsing through manhattan and london is a huge comedown.fuck all that my singapore my home, true blue kampong boy shit.this place bores me.but fortunately i was never really in it for the sights.i play football and that is enough for me.i continue to enjoy the conversation of friends.but the background has become more oppressive.

so, as i resign myself to phasing out the annoying ambient noise of my surroundings, i owe sentimentality one final look at the past.

I will miss my housemates most.they took a gamble living with an uptight chinaman and it seems to have paid off for all of us, i've learnt much of english middle-class guilt, their biting wit that hits you so fast you only get the punchline the day after(obviously i've moved on since), the fact that they can be just as petty as asians when it comes to washing dishes...or not washing them(all this english gentleman bull shit is for the birds).

We all have faults.nick continually returning drunk in the middle of the night, waking all of us up and trashing the house as well as leaving water on to boil for hours on the lowest heat, the lord(alex) can never seem to remember to buy anything for the house or do his washing, or remember what exactly belongs to him in the house, jim sings too much and too loud in the morning when he's taking his shower, rath bores into you with his 'everything ok' routine...oli...is the most unorthodox of jews, the one for whom the concept of parsimony is depicted by an american express card.me? i leave the fridge open all the time and frequently sear garlic into the hobs, i've also got a nasty tendency to stink up the house when my cooking experiments go wrong and once i nearly burnt the house down boiling chicken stock overnight on the lowest heat.

gosh, it must sound like such a crazy fucking house.you must wonder how we keep from beating the shit out of one another.

there is good.plenty of it, of course people with the slightest modicum of security don't need to rattle on, but being rather emotional at this point i have to give way to these illogical tendencies.rath's dad acting as my guarantor, oli and his family taking on the responsibility of feeding and fetching us about on our day out in leeds in my first year, alex, even alex, dragging me into bed after i'd returned and slumped right in front of my door with the key in my hand whilst leaving the main door open, also not making any noise and retreating to sleep on the couch when he came back at 4am from london and found me drunk and incoherent in his bed.jim, for shelling out his last 10 quid for the hols just so that he could pimp out some contribution to my birthday grub.nick, for shelling out his last 20 quid for the hols just so that he could pimp out some contribution to my birthday grub, for taking all my shit home and shipping it for me because like the lazy unorganised piece of shit that i am, i left it till the end, for coming back to the house in year 2 with his xbox to hang out during the exams when everyone else left during the holidays.

ah.

*takes breath*

friends make the world go round.but it wasn't all local flavour too.i'll remember all the times i spent playing football with the malaysian society, the post graduates, cripps, the emile heskey experience, team red sox.all the crazy tournaments we played in, driving up to edinburgh 10pm-4am for the inaugaral tourney and winning it in nail biting fashion.the dinners with mark and vic and much later, chloe and the rest of the other singaporeans, lynn, gabby ally, adam.cigars with k.THAT trip to poland. my M&S and delilahs.

you can read about all that should you choose to browse, and more.there have been memories enough to cover many faded pages.i don't think i will continue with this blog anymore.it has served its purpose, to chronicle my english sabbatical.maybe i have more words and experiences but this is not the place for them.goodbye and thank you to all, it's been emotional.

the final days.

it's been all whirlwind heat and flash. over the last few days, i've slept an average of 3.5 - 4 hours per day. june 15th was results followed by the breaking of my ocean cherry, which on a thursday night is not as bad or mortifying an experience...even when being anything less than stone drunk.nick had already known my results but he sneakily lulled me into a faustian trade off. well, at least i didn't agree to go streaking round lenton.we only got back at 3-4 and filmed this really filthy video where nick goes one on one with the lord(alex), or at least tries to.

June 16th, i woke up at 8 to diddle around the house and research some recipes for the final dinner with the girls.then went to portland to return all my cds and also get my sister's extra ticket and then to meet chloe, reina and yc to go for lunch at delilah's.wah lau.it was only when i arrived at delilah's that i realised i'd forgotten to get the f$#@$#@ ticket and left the jose gonzalez album at home. what to do? i got into a cab and did what i had to do.

that night we had pizza, i made the sauce and in my fatigue forgot to add most of the ingredients,the chicken was a bit of a disaster for me because i had to keep the oven running for 2 hours as the schedule spiralled out of control.fortunately the reliable combination of mozzerella salad and my avocados worked a treat although we completely forgot about the tuna.*sigh*
hopefully i will be able to sear it when i get to the girls house today.

we watched AV and death to smoochy.i will forever remember the fucking useless generation and the letting down of the hong kong people and the hong kong uncle.amateur porno and rumpleforeskin.social commentary.slept at 4 and got up at 7 the next day because i remembered that it was a f#@$# saturday and on sunday neither the shipping company or the post office would be open.

when i got back today, i was in a frenzy.the remaining possessions i had would've cost me upwards of 200 quid to ship via the postal service.in the end, it was nick who saved my ass by offering to take it back home to ship.There was also the small detail of the foos concert in hyde park and nick having a little cry when me and oli left because he was due to go home today, but he's changed it to leave tomorrow so we'll be able to have a proper goodbye.

you might have realised by now that post exam stress and fatigue plus the actual deprivation of sleep mean that my observations are sinking into the merely descriptive.well. i can't do anything about that. i'm gonna wake up at 8 AGAIN tomorrow, it's 415 now.i have to say my last goodbyes.

the gig. what can i say.8 minute version of no one knows.motorhead going on about 'the man' taking their money and ours whilst sitting in an office, not to forget them because they play rock and fucking roll, because you may have the power but you ain't got the right.we were stationed at the inner circle right beside this really long ramp that might have extended to oxford street.the foos were ok, building much of their gig on the newer, U2 esque material.but it was the final 3 songs that made the whole moment a bit magical.apart from the fucking yobs lobbing bottles around.never ever stand near people who do so, and never sit on your friend's shoulders.

anyway.monkey wrench, the last song before the encore.then the drummer came up and exercised his vocal range in hoarse fashion.*dey -ey-ay-yo*. he then dedicated the next song to queen, which i thought was fair enough.in the background a man in a shirt and tie tapped at the drums.the opening guitar sneer brought the spotlight onto a man with a particularly shaggy hairdo, whom on closer examination was discovered to be brian may.YES. it was roger taylor on drums too.then dave and the rest joined in to play 'tie your mother down' and run up and down the ramp.not even one of my favorite queen songs, but it opened the opportunity for the band to play, you guessed it. everlong.

under the velvet sky with the breeze. i could have been forgiven for being sentimental.i did tear.everything is coming full circle.everything is right again after so much wrong.the past 4 years have been the worst and most important in my life.if only everything could be this way forever, i thought, as the band burst into the chorus and dave rushed back down from oxford street onto the stage.

and i wonder.

this is the first day of my life.

i did it. finally. despite all my bumbling.luck and god saw me through, i take no credit at all.next year, i'm going to work hard hard hard.no more last minute depression, no more.i owe it to everyone who believed in me to make the best of it.

mindfucking.

the results are out today but alas i shall not be able to get hold of them.why? because i'm not in nottingham.i don't dare to go onto msn because i'm afraid that people will unwittingly inform me about them.i'm running out of reasons to be sane.if i worry too much it's bad for me, but if i don't worry i feel guilty because it implies complacency.if people try to encourage me it sparks conspiracies about what they might really know.if people try to prepare me for unwanted eventualities it sparks conspiracies about what they might really know.mum says that everything on my mind at this moment is wrong and that since the results are in the envelope there is nothing i can really do apart from wasting the day away watching the world cup and completing dynasty warriors.i guess that's all i can do, apart from hoping.i hope that everyone did well and got the results they needed/wanted.

*mopes*

the moment of reckoning.

there is nothing more to say about new york because i don't think my shopping trips and dining experiences are anything to shout about.after all, i long ceased to regard the big apple as a tourist attraction.this trip has been about family and i think i have fulfilled that purpose by presence alone.

i turn to more pressing matters, more imminent ones.

as some might recall, the previous trip was haunted by the upcoming release of the results.i had little confidence that things would turn my way as my preparation was poor and hastily made.when everything came good, i promised that this would be the year that i would seal it.no more doubts, no more fears, just a good holiday to reward myself for the inevitable and undeniable triumph that awaited me.but of course, there's no being zhuoneng without the strife within, the self doubt.whatever my true thoughts might be about these results, the ones that continue to dominate are ones of anxiety and distress.

back home, we have an expression that succintly sums up the vicarious balancing of destiny.we say, 'by left'.it means that anything can happen, it means that no matter how far ahead or how certain the outcome, never assume, never be hoodwinked.all this while it has been a ritual of sorts,providing savour for the relative success to follow.this time however, this deep forboding within feels almost like a clairvoyance.it's not your typical case of jitters, but something with more gravity to it.

whatever the case, events have passed such that i must keep my head up whatever the piece of paper in that brown envelope has to say to me.i always used to joke that i would return with a 2:1 or in a bodybag.but there is nothing funny about that prospect.i must prepare myself.i will always remember the kindness of strangers and the beauty of friendship, of laughter and tears, dinners, parties and drinks.all the people who shared those moments with me.i hope that these memories will buttress my spirit and cheer my remaining days rather than menace them like a spectre.i hope for the best, as i always have.this is not a time to burnish grudges.everyone knows how important the final result is, regardless of the paths we choose to follow after we leave this place.i hope...for everyone.

nu yorica!

i'm in poor shape at the moment.my mind just feels battered by the mental exertion of successive exams and job applications.i'm fatigued beyond belief.the anxiety of results only compounds the strain i am under.i'm a trainwreck of emotions right now.well...whatever it is, a greater task awaits me now in new york.family.just being with my sister and my father, whom i haven't seen for quite a while, family bonding.plus there's the added bonus of being in the greatest city in the world, where all dreams come true.i can choose to collapse inwardly or fiddle while rome burns.i prefer to go out with a bang, if that is the case.none of the acts perpetuated at this point by myself can influence these final results which have been hanging like the sword of damocles over my neck, whilst the ink was still wet.i will have a good time, a damned good time.we will cross that bridge when we come to it.the opportunity that presents itself in new york is too precious to wither with depression and misery.



one hour later...



nick's been passed out on the landing since he came back last night, but he's since graduated to alex's room.it's 1am now.made him some jersey potatoes dressed in salt, pepper and fresh,grassy olive oil.beautiful.strange that i'm not spending as much time with people here as i should.i think it's because i'm afraid i'll cry or something when i have to go.it's better that i put some distance between us so that it'll be easier for me to leave them behind.*sigh* i just...wish i could take them all back with me. how sentimental.it will never be the same when i return, but i don't expect it to.i never have expected much from life, so many changes, so much to adapt to that i can't develop a normative approach because everything glows relative in this prism.singapore isn't home as much as ny is.half the family's there while the other half is in singapore.the uk is where my dearest memories lie, i truly gained expression here.will i be able to be who i am back home without being judged by their standards? not that i've ever claimed to fit a western mould. the point is that in the west, there really aren't any moulds to fit, no clubs to join, no secret handshake, you come as you are...at least that's how it's been here.i will miss my freedom.

i can hear the heart breaking as one.

it was a surprise. but she wasn't the only one getting a surprise that night.
distance coupled with awkwardness bred silence.i was at a loss for words because there wasn't anything i could say.no more how was your day or bitching about the exams being over.all the goodwill in the world can't build overnight what needs ages or chemistry to ignite.it was well meaning but wasted.the enduring image will be watching her walk down that dark alley, away and into oblivion.it will be like the last 2 years never happened, like all those fumbling gestures inevitably leading nowhere because i was too effete to take any kind of initiative.much as i'd like to see her face again.i probably will not and it will be better for all concerned if it works out that way.i just want to get it out of my system but i have no way of doing so, i can't hate her for cheating on me, i can't hate her for being a proud uppity bitch,this is one ideal and vision which never got tainted by reality, only accentuated and dramatised by failure and detachment.we started as strangers and we probably remained and parted as strangers.what did i really want? what was i hoping for all this time? what a riddle.it's like 1999 all over again.

milestone.

song number 25205, 70 days 05 hours 12 minutes 07 seconds, 100gigs, 170 Genres, 5372 Artists, 2222 Albums
Modern World by the Modern Lovers.
we've come a long way.

crazy.

"i'm supposed to be religious but i don't have the time"

immortal words.i won't be forgetting them in a hurry.got out with K and Tom to Iguanas where we bumped into the Chloe, Lynn Andrew,reina...oh..could go on.then we adjourned to the Slug and Lettuce for more bullshit talk about marriage, women and careers.now we're really old.

returned home to the garageband rendition of 'ride on time' wafting from nick's room.proceeded up the stairs to hear the hot love rendition of 'ride on time' from alex's room.soon, we were all huddling in my room, sniggering away at the intense hammering of hannah.the whole floor sounded like it was going to go to pieces.the thumping of the bedframe, the wails, yes.the works.

yes. everyone is geting some. jim brought a stranger last night and nick didn't come back.never mind, who needs a libido when you've got friends...and the simpsons season 5-7.

bittersweet.

well, the exams are finally over and as usual i'm left with the somewhat bittersweet sensation of forgotten cases and undetected points of law.i did my best.whether it's good enough is beyond me, so i shall regress into debauchery, to quote lynn, you need the food, the booze and the bitches.I shall sip on my tawny port and nibble on gourmet crisps, whilst i await some sexy, free spirited lady to answer the personal ad i put on nick's window.

bittersweet.

well, the exams are finally over and as usual i'm left with the somewhat bittersweet sensation of forgotten cases and undetected points of law.i did my best.whether it's good enough is beyond me, so i shall regress into debauchery, to quote lynn, you need the food, the booze and the bitches.I shall sip on my tawny port and nibble on gourmet crisps, whilst i await some sexy, free spirited lady to answer the personal ad i put on nick's window.

let's go to work.

this paper is all that stands between me and complete freedom to begin applications for pupillage.that in itself is another story, as well as the packing and meeting up that needs to be done, goodbyes to be said,lasting memories to be forged.

i have no idea what i will come up against, support from this particular branch of the school has been less than forthcoming, i only hope that it will be possible for me to edge the results that i need.my brain has clearly had enough and will consider no more last minute entries, i have chosen instead to go food-shopping with the intention of preparing a big 'ol meal before the paper which is set rather unreasonably at 1630. ridiculous.the worries of the past few days have enfeebled my mind somewhat, no problem, i will soothe it with gourmet food and trashy movies.

once more unto the breach again, dear friends.once more.

5 days

ok.it was crazy.i have not spewed this much crap in such a long time.i will rest and i will have 5 more days to work for the last paper.i've eaten far more than i should have and not exercised at all because i needed the energy to work within this tight schedule.never mind.i will commence running again and play a 'friendly' against some mexicans on saturday.a terrible shame, i won't be able to make the asian games on june 5th because i'm going to new york then.ah.i would have liked to have ended my overseas football experience with a medal.but i guess some things aren't meant to be.fingers crossed...maybe the law football team will want me around in sg.
but right now i must rest, my mind feels woozy and cluttered, i can't think with precision.it's like being in the ring with amir khan for 10 rounds, for the lack of a suitable role model.i will be very happy to be in new york when all this exam/pupillage bullshit is through.family.nothing like family.

keep on pushing hell.

yes.after much frustration it was all packed in, like a haphazardly wrapped package.i don't know if it's all there but most of it is.hopefully it's enough for me to put up a great blag tomorrow.it's all i can do, i haven't written a bloody journal or devoted my existence to the pursuit of resolving the great rhyme of consumer protection.i can only improvise and riff on what i have.however tragic or mediocre tomorrow may be, i doubt i will forget it in a hurry.just.so.close.to.wednesday.

14 hours.

how will it all turn out? i pray for the best and prepare for the worst.

miracle time.

well i guess today's paper was the best i could do with all i had bunged up in my brain.it's all up to god now...and the markers.hopefully it's good enough for the grade that i need.the struggle is far from over, consumer law looms close in the distance...i have left it far too late.well let's not moan and groan but go about our work quietly.there is no point in rushing a miracle, man.you get rotten miracles.

oddness.

so here i am watching zoolander because i'm bored and i don't want to flood my mind with shit that prolly isn't going to stick or worse enough, mess up all the shit that's already in there.tomorrow is gonna be the stuff of banter.legendary banter.it's not about all the shit you know but how you use it.hopefully i can get my nuts big enough to get on a discourse with the examiner and fool him/her(for the want of a gender neutral expression) into thinking i'm some kinda fucking genius who truly gets it, validating all those years of lecturing yawning,late straggling students, conducting tutorials to a half empty class.i'm gonna make his fucking day! (her)

so whilst i'm half watching it, im sneaking peeks through my primary school pics on friendster...and guess who i stumble across?it might not but it must be, liz! elizabeth lee suwen. from my pre primary class, called on to better things. my first crush ever! aww! it was the stuff that all first crushes were made of, magical and wholly unattainable.she was of course much more intelligent and quickly managed to scoot up the academic hierachy in nyps with her perfect scores.not particularly attractive but neither was i.

i can't ever think about why i liked her but she set the prototype for future crushes. companionship fuelled desperation attracting me to some interesting and some odd girls but i suppose always an experience....it's never been boring and it's an odd time for an epiphany...but yeah it was kinda sweet falling or pretending to fall in love back then.i actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, i actually had a plan, i was going to be a lawyer and shit.well.i guess it kinda fulfils itself somehow. no doubt something for the shrink to consider.ah the silly things we do when we're young.of course i'll never end up with a chick like that but i'm not some kinda berkeley brainiac, then again...how many people are?

41-31

and that was the score of a mammoth game i played today.we played the first half with 6 on 6 and to be honest...we were raping them silly.the score was 28-17 i think. in the second half which last about 1.5 hrs we lost a defender and had to put this abysmal moron in goal.well meaning...but...the kind of goals he let in must have been the result of severe myopia.really one shot one goal.we ran and ran and i scored bags of goals ripping it from defence.ok la...it's not modest but i think i'm getting into some good shape before the asian tourney(provided there even is one and it happens before i go to ny). the ankle was good despite clattering into a hefty block and i haven't been able to dribble like that for eons.well they did have a lady keeper but that meant that we had to place it rather than hammer it.6-5 in a non-stop basketball sized futsal court is no fucking joke.in the last 5 minutes i swear my legs felt like jelly.i'll probably be feeling it all over my old bones tomorrow.

oh, and barca won the champs league.gooners at half time eh? it's 90 minutes you cunts!

need to wake up early and work. good luck one and all, no matter who you are!

let's rockit

handed in the essay.i pray it may save my bacon.i pray being 300 words under does not bugger me.i pray...for strength in the next week...events will unfold, determining my destiny.it's going to be crazy, but i hope it will be fun.too.backs to the wall.breeze through the window, twilight red.

just like old times.

calm before a storm.

it's an evil-gunslinging calm.like passing through a ghost town.no screams no cries nothing.it's just a job that needs to be done.no matter how uncertain or incompetent you may be.there is nothing else to do but rage until it's done.have i used up all my lives?is it over before it's barely begun? well...it's only over when it's over.i'm a johnny come lately but i still think that something can be done.whether it will be enough is not in my power to decide...the world works in strange ways.knowledge isn't always understanding.let's go to work.

i'm sorry.

that i couldn't make you feel better about being lonely
that i couldn't seem to emphathise or cheer you up from all the frustration over work and your love life.
that i told you to stop sharing your sad stories with me and be happy for all the gifts you possess
that i was so blunt.

i'm a terrible friend.who will dare confide in me now? i have no promises of better days, i can only articulate things as they fall.people like me shouldn't have a right to advise on matters of the heart because we honestly don't know a thing about what it is to love somebody.

hail to the...

man. i just gotta blog about this.
my alma mater, SJI happens to have this way cool commercial out.
it's a 30 sec montage of singaporean personalities just oh, mentioning their line of work.concluding with KF Seetoh 'and i am the makan guru' executing his trademark kowtow,kawaii-eh obasan bow.

finally the mission statement flashes across the screen,

"NEVER UNDERSTIMATE THE VALUE OF A WELL ROUNDED EDUCATION"

followed by the school's crest.

wow wow wow, i felt like part of a super elite and prestigious family.but just as i was about to reach for my chequebook to withdraw my life's savings for the benefit of the school, something stopped me.why didn't they put the names and ages of these people in subtitles below? i mean...i couldn't really recognise most of them.

but they're famous, zhuoneng, my friend opined.

well, not really.i didn't know the 'fencer' or the 'director', or uh...the geeky fella with the cool half-framed glasses proclaiming himself as an investment banker.sure did recognise Davinder Singh and George Yeo, "i am the minister of foreign affairs". ok lah so you've got a flashy title for your sinecure, good on you George.shut up.i'm not sure how the self proclaimed 'makan guru' makes it up there while Dick Lee didn't.maybe he was too gay and flamboyant for SJI.

despite my adoration for the school, i really despise such self-promoting bullshit.it's too feelgood and cheesy for my liking.as if your senior district judge is such a fucking big shot.i mean, they're like the 45 year old majors of the judiciary.too old to go higher but too useless to dump.like i know so much, huh? If i had it my way, the ad would go something like this.

16 year old - "i have 2 O'level passes"
14 year old - "i'm addicted to glue"
32 year old - "i'm a drug addict"
28 year old - "i'm a char kuay tiao seller"
56 year old - "i'm in an old folks home"
Dick Lee - "i am gay"
Teo Chee Hean - "I like to give PSC scholarships to my kids"
Charles Chong MP - "uh...Buangkok MRT?"
Mark Richmond - "and i'm sleeping with Beatrice Chia" *winks*

scored to ai pia jia ai hia.

we loves you, ruudy.

tonight will be Roy Keane's testimonial.a true servant of the great institution that is manchester united, the driving force behind title after title after title.of all the accolades that've been whored to death, the greatest of all time would not be far off.not the fastest, not the most skillful, as Alex Ferguson would admit..but people who regard football as a game won through pure effortless stepovers and slick attacking manuvers underestimate the powers of motivation, drive and charisma.it's the sheer desire to will that chases every loose ball, pressuring the opposition into mistakes, calling for the ball at all times and yes, actually getting into positions which allow you to receive it,it's grit that pulls you to your feet even though your whole body feels like it's on the verge of being swallowed up in a cauldron of lactic acid, and again and again and again.

sadly to say, another legend won't be there tonight.

Ruud van nistelrooy was manchester united through and through.a heartening story indeed.we originally would have bought him a year earlier but he snapped his cruciate knee ligaments.no one ever thought he'd ever play again.the boss did and sprung for him again in the following summer.when he started breaking record after record, it seemed like a fairytale come true.

i won't pretend i know much about how the politics of higher echelon football work.how we got from ruud swearing to bring us back to the days of glorious invincibility after that horrible night in Lille to being dropped in favour of louis saha, i won't know.the aftermath i'm sure is more than public.ruud was unable to retain that first place in the team that he perhaps had taken for granted, and rightly so.i don't believe saha's the better player or that a 4-0 win over a hapless charlton means that we'll be able to do without him.for one, i don't believe that he was right to respond in the manner he did, resulting in being sent home from the team hotel in manchester 3 hours before the game.

i just think that perhaps one of the two could have stepped back for a while instead of responding in knee jerk fashion.in the heat, words are said and sometimes they can't be taken back.a manager must take the step to ensure that the harmony of the dressing room is not broken by a maverick.a senior player, especially one as competitive as ruud must ensure that he keeps his place in the team.leaving ruud out of keane's testimonial is just pure unconstructive spite, i think at the end of the day, regardless of where he ends up in the summer, it would have been an appropriate gesture to let him pay his respects, from one legend to another.

i've seen enough over the years as a united supporter to know that no one single personality will be allowed to run the show at united apart from the boss.there is no sentimentality.from kanchelskis, ince,sharpe,the exile and departure of stam,yorke and beckham, keane and now ruud.i honestly felt nothing at the time because for me, it seemed that these players had outlived their usefulness, keane included.although i must admit that i felt a tinge of sadness when kanchelskis left because he was a bit of a god to me, hey...i was like 13-14...gimme a break.

ruud on the other hand...is pure united.i don't feel that his love for the club is any less or that his desire has slackened.merely that a little handbags that could have been plugged at the molehill stage is threatening to derail our future success in the premier league and europe.he is the rarest of all things, a 30 goal striker. one for the big games.even when he's not on form, he just needs one ball played to him with his back to goal...and suddenly he's got all the space in the world to fire it beyond the keeper. i will remember the pure desire to win, the endless chasing of lost causes when it seemed that the whole team was dead and gone, the penalty neatly dispatched against 'invincible' arsenal one year after that horrid miss which sparked off mass thuggery from their players.150 goals in 214 games.scoring 10 matches straight in the premiership.the record goal scorer in the champion's league. he may join other teams of similar prestige, but none as well made for him as this one.

*sigh* come back ruudie.

weightless

finally the wretched parasite of an essay is complete, well not entirely complete as i'm sure i'll always find something which i'm not terribly satisfied with, but i wouldn't put up too much of a hue and cry if it had to be handed in tomorrow,i'm free to begin my revision.

well. i foresee tomorrow as a hell of a busy day. i have lots of food shopping to do and i need to buy cards for 3 different people and send them out ASAP, or face certain death, mortification...you take your pick there.especially if you're one of those 3 people. um...yeah.one of those 3 people will have to wait till i return to get her birthday present.there simply isn't anything good enough in nottingham at the moment i'm afraid, i'm sure that i will be able to find something more deserving in new york.

i actually have run out of steam here. i don't really have much to say because it's all quite straightforward from hereon till i hit new york.run run run, revise, make notes, forward past year papers and queries to tutors, repeat repeat repeat with as much frequency as possible in the next 2 weeks and beyond.Haiz.

Untitled Playlist 21

Nina Simone - I Got Life
Miami Sound Machine - Rhythm of the Night
Malo - Sauvecito
The Like - June Gloom
Spanky Wilson - The Sunshine of Your Love
Jonathan Richman - Egyptian Reggae
Joe Bataan - Aftershower Funk
Les Baxter - TRopicando
Terry Callier - Love Can Do
Beethoven - Symphony No.9
The Sandpipers - Never Can Say Goodbye
Usha Uthup - Chupke Kuan Aya
Senor Coconut and His Orchestra - Smooth Operator
Montefiori Cocktail - Gypsy Woman

a great day

some days are too beautiful to work.instead of doing what i should have done i allowed myself to be drawn away by football,joyrides and food.
is it possible not to be a cock riding an open top freelander with the bass heaving and saying hey to every person on the street? of course not, everyone should be allowed to catch up on their childhood before it eludes them forever.life can be very beautiful, the greatest pleasures abound in the simplest things, the sun firing light and heat at 7pm, doing trolley stunts at sainsburys,chomping on 15 fish fingers,playing football from 1130 till 7, from hot tarmac to parched dry ground.the important thing is that my dodgy ankle hung on and every day i get closer to being fit as hell.certainly some in my position should be worried about other things, but some times it's good to ride your melt and float gently down the stream.we're all silly silly people.

i sat on my porch waiting for nick who'd left the house for an all nighter but forgot his triple cheese sandwiches.i was struck by how serene my neighbourhood was, which is odd considering that one street up is just about the most burgled in the country, that within a 1km radius there's been about 3-4 shootings in the past year or so,chavs with their prams stalk the streets in their mock-terry hoodies and battered nike-shoxes.there was a willowy trail of vapour which had fallen through the atmosphere, streaking across the deep-blue night sky, plus some stars shining faintly through the canopy of twilight.it wasn't too cold.it was just right.

dearly departed

i wish i knew you. you would have been my greatest ally, rival.my equal and really..my better.i live in this memory of promise and what ifs.i would give a lot to know how it would all have been had you made it this far.would i have spent my life in shadow of your achievements? it's the not knowing that really troubles me some times.i have not thought of you for a long long long time but lately something just triggered it.

a schism

what was once whole, is now two. the fragility of allusion has been shattered.truth and contrivance now meet under not one but two roofs.

the finest.

today i had a dinner, it was pretty damned good.i managed to replicate the recipe for amatriciana.now that might mean absolutely nothing to some people and i don't expect it to.i then proceeded to coat the 4 cheese ravioli i purchased from Delilah's with this savoury smoked sauce.very delicious it was too, the combination of the sweet tomatoes and smoked praga pancetta, the completeness of the palate nicely rounded by the subtle creamy texture of the cheese and the roasted fragrance of the sauteed onions and garlic.beautiful.

Prior to that, i'd already whetted my appetite with some buffalo mozzerella and sweet piquant tomatoes, drizzled, well drenched, with the sicillian extra virgin from Delilahs(see a pattern emerging here?) which of course the Kokster must take credit for.so you could say that by then, i was in a good mood, i wanted to complete this very special culinary experience, I opened the fridge.my eyes darted from the fishfingers...nah, too commonplace.the blood orange curd...too esoteric.why not the salmon...after all this was very special salmon.

yes, the salmon.Wild Pacific Alaskan Silver Oak Smoked Salmon.from no less an authority than Marks and Spencer, surely there was no better treat for my palate.well then i opened the very slick dark ocean blue packaging, mmm...probably the same tone of blue as the icy Alaskan seas they were line-fished from.Coho, they call this variant of Salmon. Co-Ho. just so you know that it's special.Spe-Cial.

the pieces had a deeper red color than traditional smoked salmon.they were sliced and arranged in the shape of the original fish which did not seem very big.Still, i appreciated this bit of effort on the part of Marks and Spencer to let me, the consumer know that a lot of effort went into the hand slicing and trimming of the fish.a good retailer of food differentiates himself from the pedestrian through presentation of a product sourced from superior stock.As i had paid 6.99gbp for 150g of smoked salmon i was entitled to feel that this was money well spent and so far, i was highly aroused.i had a hard on big enough to fillet the salmon with.

so far.

i pulled out the smallest piece which represented the tail end of the fish, lightly gripping it between my thumb and index finger, it felt firm and pliant as they said it would.i lifted it to my nose and took several, copious sniffs of the salmon.sweet and smoky. that must have been the demera sugar playing off the sea salt and oakwood chips.subtly interplated flavors but with none of the fishy stench of traditional smoked salmon.this was more than traditional, this was M&S Wild Pacific Alaskan Silver Oak Smoked Salmon.now I only had to confirm my assumptions.

placing the salmon in my mouth i bit off a piece.it felt leathery on the part where the salmon had been directly exposed to the smoking procedure.i began to chew slowly, my teeth did not go through on the first bite.i continued to chew,my tongue probing desperately in what was turning into an increasing futile exercise.apparently the shades of flavour i'd experienced on my initial perusal were skin deep, they had not penetrated that thicky elephantile hide which was starting to grate on my tongue.i could taste the slightest, subtle hints of that much vaunted smoking.i could taste FUCK ALL.

now surely, this must have been a mistake.it was not right.suspend reality, maintain belief.surely not all the other pieces possessed the same rubbery consistency and lack of flavor.i picked the next piece, and another, and another, and another, sampling them with the same mix of revulsion and desperation.finally I came to the largest and final section of the salmon dish.surely it was going to dispel my doubts and allow me to redirect blame to the other contaminated pieces.i needed to know that this was not glorified fish jerky. it did not.

fuck.

dear diary

dear diary

I wonder why the world is such a cruel place.apart from my trusted friends whose company i truly treasure it seems that the world is abound with ruthless,cynical people out there to make life a living hell for me.housemates who often leave plates unwashed and hog the shower, shower foam,washing foam that the previous house left behind.i mean, i'm no saint but...you know...these bad things happen to good people sometimes and it's not like i wanted to leave it dirty, i just forgot, but fortunately i have my big brave dog to shout people down when i can't be bothered to get them to wash up after their own filth.

sometimes i sit down and wonder, why does backstabbing and badmouthing people constiute the single goal in one person's life.actually, make that two. well...maybe a group.uh...well maybe everyone except for my friends and my big fluffy sex machine.funny, i used have lots of friends. everyone used to love me so much.especially the boys,especially the boys.but some times they'd get too hot round the collar and i'd have to call in favours from other boys to get rid of them.but it sure was nice getting all that attention.i'm so glad my big brave dog understands.it's all in the past anyway.doesn't matter.

but what makes people turn so vicious? i've never ever badmouthed anyone else, hell i've never been caught at it, which is almost the same thing, but fortunately i have my upbringing to thank for that.what i learnt in life, i built from a solid grounding of morality which i've adhered to rigidly all my years.despite everything that's happened to me so far, the persecution that follows me wherever i go, i've never been anything but a good girl.why can't everyone be impressed in the way i conduct myself about them despite how rich,well-connected and high born i am?it's not often that such humility accompanies the vast gifts that nature and fortune have bestowed on me.i would love to give in and bling it but it's so unnecessary, just so unnecessary.i mean, i have to protect what i have or i might be in danger of losing it, why else do i put up with settling for the cheapest, most basic things that life has to offer? *just joking honey*

my friends.what would one do without friends like this? friends who don't cut corners, friends who are always there, friends who sometimes fall for me, friends who are so completely devoid of personality that they allow me to easily impose, uh share my opinions with them.they're the ones who make me feel sane, like i'm the only princess around.one can truly consider herself lucky to be able to count one's friends, ah, if only i had more hands to count them with, almost as many as i do faces.

yours truly
princess

the ejaculations of a filthy mind.

i love karen o. she is the greatest female singer of this 'the' generation.call it emo, hardcore, thrash, whatever you please.when the yeah yeah yeahs are on form, she sounds like the only genuine soul left in this broken slippery slope of an emotional hole that the glut of mediocre bands passing under the aegis of the aforementioned genres have dug us into.

she's not sexy in the conventional sense.devoid of figure, a haphazard moptop on a stick.far from stylish in a conventional sense, ripped up, mismatched, thrift-store chic.barbershop red lipstick.I think she attracts me in spite of these limitations.the natural charisma, her movements and tone riding on the music, reflecting its every caprice.surprisingly there's plenty of emotional depth to be found amongst the anarchiac switch from moan to animalistic yelp.i'm alone but comfortable in my adoration of her, can it really be possible to be so infatuated with someone's personality at first sight?

untitled playlist 20

The Primitives- Crash
Patti Smith - Free Money
Bob Dylan - Man In The Long Black Coat
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Warrior
The Strokes - Red Light
The Long Blondes - Lust In The Movies
Serena Naneesh - Drive Me Home The Lonely Nights
The Beatles - I Don't Want To Spoil The Party
Prince - Do U Lie?
Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan - Saturday's Gone
Black Mountain - No Satisfaction
Do Me Bad Things - The Song Rides
Ryan Adams - To Be Young
Bright Eyes - At The Bottom of Everything